39 to 39: Empathy!

Perry (my husband) and I have had an on-going conversation, feud, conflict, and understanding about the application of "empathy." As a therapist I felt like I knew all the tricks to get people to talk. And I didn't want Perry to use those tricks on me. Writing that down really sounds horrible, but it is the truth. So as we have worked through how to do "empathy" a really important step in the process emerged. Perry started asking me to stop and then repeat after him. For instance, he would say: "Andrea, I need you to say this..." Those words transformed our communication. First of all, what he would ask me to say, would never have come to me on my own and secondly, he felt heard and understood. I need to give a "shout out" to my husband tonight. He has done very good soul work over the years.

This week in my "Ordinary Courage" class with Brene Brown the topic has been empathy. The final podcast focussed on finding the courage to ask for what you need. As I was listening I realized that what Perry was doing with his "Andrea say this..." was actually ask for what he needs. And I realized that I don't do that. I don't have the expectation that he should know what I am thinking... but I do sit in my shame hole all by myself a lot. Brene rehearsed few scenarios and catch phrases and I was amazed by what resonated with me. And I was horrified to realize that I never say it. I don't practice it. I'm alone because I choose to keep it on the paper in my journal. I have acted as a coward.

So, what resonated with me? One of Brene's examples was: "?Husband, I need to share a very shameful story with you. I need you to listen. I need you to hug me. And then I need you to leave me alone for a few hours. Wait until I bring it up again and am ready to talk about it." This idea was the equivalent to quantum physics for me. It takes me so much courage to say it: to speak the shame... I'm not ready to process it or hear feedback or even hear support. I just need comfort and space. My defense mechanism is to sit in the shame hole alone, rather than invite someone to care for me in a way that I can receive it. Identifying the problem is the first step to change.

Brene Brown made the following wonderful distinction between sympathy and empathy: "Sympathy is walking to the edge of the hole and looking in. Empathy is climbing in the hole with the one who is hurt. " Amazing!